It has been 10 years. It’s been a whole decade. 10 years full of things I was supposed to share with you. 10 years I was supposed to be finding out more about you, getting boy/life advice from you, complaining to you. So many things I have not been able to share with you that break my heart. I met my bestfriends freshman year of highschool that you will never get to meet. I’ve found the absolute love of my life that I will never be able to introduce you to. I wasn’t able to take you prom dress shopping with me or see you at my high school graduation. I wasn’t able to get advice about leaving school or taking a promotion. I wasn’t able to tell you about my promotion. So many things that have changed my life over the past 10 years that we couldn’t share together.
Not only have I not been able to share experiences with you but I haven’t been able to touch you, see you, smell you in 10 years. It’s been 1o years since I’ve been able to get a hug from my mom. That might hurt me the most. A mothers hug, yall. That’s something you should never take for granted. I long for these things. I would love to tell you I love you face to face and not to your grave site. I miss you tucking me in at night. Yes my mom tucked me in until the 6th grade. I couldn’t go to sleep unless she walked me to my room and kissed me goodnight. She was literally the best mom ever.
I miss getting on your nerves when you came home from work because I was so overly excited to see you but you just needed a nap. I’m sorry I didn’t understand how tired you were and consistently annoyed you. What a strong woman you were to put up with me.
Although I have missed you so much over these past 10 years I want you to know I’m okay. I am sad and I will be sad everyday of my life because I can’t share my life with you now. I’m sad you won’t be at my wedding or when I (finally) graduate college. I’m sad you won’t be able to meet my kids. I will be sad. But I am so thankful to have had you as my mom. I can’t wait to love my children the way you loved us. I can’t wait to tell my children about you and how much they would have loved you. This anniversary seems harder than others. We’re officially in the double digits. I was 12 when you were taken for me. And that’s just not fair. But I’m thankful you weren’t taken away from me when I was 6 when you were first diagnosed. I’m thankful Duke Hospital gave you 6 more years. I’m thankful for such an inspiring, strong, beautiful, and loving woman to look up to and that I aspire to be.
“Grief is like the ocean: it’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.”
This quote is from my very favorite tv show, One Tree Hill. It’s kind of funny because I started watching this show because it was a show my mom and sister watched together and of course I wanted to be included. But she said “It’s probably not the type of show you would like”. Boy she was wrong. Anyways. This quote is pretty much what my whole blog is based on (hence the name). But this quote really gets me through my hardest days. Grief does not define me although it is something I struggle with every day. And every day it gets a little easier to bare because of time, faith, and love.
It is surreal that is has been 10 years and in every instance I try not to think about it because that is just too long to not have had her on this earth.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. I will do everything I can to make you proud.
griefisliketheocean 