This week we sold the only house I lived in growing up. People might say it is “just a house” but I can guarantee it’s so much more than that. This house was were I lived for 18 years. I had 18 birthdays, thanksgivings, and Christmas’s. I fought with my brother and sister (mostly my brother). We celebrated my sisters graduations, and my brothers, and mine. I brought many friends over. I brought guys over. I brought THE guy over. I also had to see so much suffering in that house. I watched my mom slowly die for years. I bathed her, fed her, and changed her. She died in that house. Then I watched my dad even more slowly die for the next 9 years without my mom. I cried in that house (more days than not). I laughed in that house. I loved in that house. And now, it’s not ours anymore. It is a nice couple’s house that is going to take good care of it. BUT that does not take away my feelings of sadness. After my brother, sister, and I cleaned out the house after my dad passed we never got a chance to go back all together. I think I will always regret that. Even when I was not talking to my dad, I still would go back to my house ever so often just to see my room. I would go look through my moms old jewelry just to see if something popped out to me this time. I would look through whatever I hadn’t looked through in a while just to give me comfort. I always had faith in our family. And my family means everything to me.
I think another reason selling our house is so hard is because of the timing. In two weeks will be 10 years since my mom died. And two weeks after that will be one year since my dad died. It has been a long year. Unfortunately when your parents die, everything gets put on the children. So on top of having to grieve, you are also expected to settle debt, get rid of their stuff, figure out what to do with their house, etc. This was definitely put mostly on my brother and sister. I felt hopeless in all of this because although they had no idea what they were doing either I just felt worthless and like I couldn’t do anything to help. With my sister being out of town, my brother took most of the responsibility. The strength God gave him during all of this blows my mind. I am beyond thankful for him and everything he’s had to do this past year. I’m thankful for him and my sister. I’m thankful they married such wonderful people that care so much about them.
We’re too young. It’s not fair.
My sister sent me a link to The Summit’s message last weekend and I am so glad I was alone when I watched it because I cried through almost all of it. But boy was it good. It’s amazing how you need to hear something so much and then out of no where it hits you. We are all going to go through something that sucks. Think of the worst thing you’ve ever been put through. You automatically think of something specific. For me, it’s been the last 10 years of my life. BUT God uses our hardships. I know that I found my purpose through my hardships. I KNOW that I found Christ because I lost my mom when I was 12. It’s those hardships that we pray so hard for them not to happen. But it’s about going through those hardships that makes us strong. You don’t realize you need God until he is all you have left.
This week we sold our home. It’s one of the last big things we have left after losing our dad. Which makes this time just a little more real. I know he is gone. But the feeling of not going back to see my room exactly as I left it….is devastating to me. Everything we have left of my mom and dad is no longer confined in that house but is split up between my brother, my sister, and me. We don’t have one common meeting ground anymore. This is real. I definitely believe God planned this. He planned for this to happen right now.
We will all experience rough, terrible, heart breaking times. When you lose someone, it is not something you get over. I will never get over the loss of my mom and dad. But you learn to live with the absence of them. I will miss this house forever. And I cannot wait to show my children where I grew up like my mom showed me.
griefisliketheocean 