Timehop is a crazy thing. Everyday I get something from up to about 8 years ago that tells me what I was doing each day. And I’m either one of two things: sad or annoying. I say annoying because I really was. No young teenager should be able to get on social media because we are all annoying. I wrote literally everything I was doing. For example here is a status I put on Facebook 6 years ago: Tired, school, dance til 9:30, sleep, then school again ugh. Or if it was the weekend it’d be something like this: out with my bestfriends!!! Then with the boyfriend later!
Like how annoying is that? I feel bad for everyone that had to read every single thing I did during the day because I’m really not that exciting. However, if I wasn’t being annoying I was sad. Timehop really shows me how depressed I really was in highschool and still even when I first graduated. 8 times out of 10 my status would say don’t feel good, not doing anything all day. Now let me fill you in on something. I don’t get sick very often. And if I do get sick it’s like a cold that goes away in a week and my throat may hurt a little but really I’m just sneezing (I like to over exaggerate when I’m sick..but I think everyone does). If I wasn’t talking about how I didn’t feel good then I had something about how I missed my mom. It had only been 2-4 years at my early years of highschool so I feel like that is completely understandable. But not to the extent that I took it. Reading my timehop everyday makes me both happy and sad. I hate how depressed I was and how long it was drawn out. If you knew me before my mom passed, which only a very select people I talk to now did, then you knew how happy of a person I was. Literally smile ear to ear every single day. I got an award from my favorite teacher of all time in 6th grade for math and the way she described me was “I see her walking down the hallway to my classroom with her hair swinging back and forth with a huge smile on her face”. I knew she was talking about me when she said that and it was a huge compliment. I loved being happy. I was the overly happy girl all the time and I loved it. Going into freshman year and all throughout sophomore year if you walked in the cafeteria you would see me with my head down because everyday was a bad day. It wasn’t until I started young life and accepted Christ that I started having better days…and that is no coincidence.
But, I am also happy when I see my timehop. I’m so happy to see how far I’ve come. Yes, I still struggle with depression and I think I always will. Yes, I still get sad and cry and stay in my little bubble where I don’t want to talk to anyone. But I am not nearly that bad anymore. I’ve become slightly more open! This is something I will definitely always struggle with because it is still very hard for me to talk about how I feel since half the time I don’t know myself. There are way more days that I wake up with a smile on my face. I thank God, John, and my family and friends for that. John in particular makes me feel like his main goal is to make me happy. How lucky am I to have a guy who never had the pleasure of meeting my mom but will still talk to me about her like he has? I am so beyond grateful he was able to meet my dad and that they got along so well. It is little things like that which makes me happy through out the day.
When I first started this blog it was because I chose my one word for the year: happiness. I chose this word right after my dad passed away tying to be very optimistic. The first few months were a lot harder than I imagined. I had been through it once, I thought I’d know how I would feel. But it was completely different. The last thing I have from my dad is a voicemail telling me to get my car inspected. Very short, sweet, and to the point. I’m thankful for the quick “love you” at the end. We didn’t talk very much the last year he was alive for many different reasons and I wish it wouldn’t have been like that, but honestly I think it had to be like that for both of us. This November might be the hardest year yet. I always knew I had my dad if I needed him. It was a comfort thing. I was daddy’s little girl and no matter what happened I knew I always would be. Even if we did make each other really mad. But now on November 6, will be 10 years my mom has been gone and November 22nd will be one year since my dad has passed. The 1st and 10th are very monumental years. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it is okay to be sad. And that’s what I’ll be. I’m okay with that and I need other people to be okay with that too. It’s okay to be sad especially at a time like this. I go every day fighting to be happy and remembering the great times I had with my parents, believe me that is what I strive to remember. But sometimes I need to grieve the way I feel comfortable. And that means that I am going to be sad, probably by myself, looking at old pictures, watching movies/tv shows that they loved, and wearing their clothing even more so then I already do.
This is the 5th time I’ve tried to write this particular post in the past two weeks. It’s been a surprisingly hard one for me. I think thinking about how I used to be just concerns me. I know some people saw how lost I really was but I don’t think I did until I noticed the trend on my timehop. I’m thankful for how far I’ve come and I completely praise Christ for that. I wouldn’t be able to get through everyday without knowing He has complete control of my life and remembering He has all of this already planned out. That amazes me that He knew I’d lose both of my parents at such a young age. I think it has made me stronger. It has also brought me to a lot of other girls who have struggled with the loss of their parents. It’s a bad club to be in, but we’re all in it together. I’m so so grateful that most of my friends don’t know how to comfort me. It is not a pain I would wish upon anyone. I don’t expect anyone to know how I’m feeling and I wouldn’t want them to act like they do. My brother, sister, and I don’t even know what each other are feeling because we all had separate relationships with our parents and were at very different stages in life for both.
When I tell people that I plan on being sad in November, I normally get this response: “Don’t think like that. Remember the happy times. Everything will be okay. Don’t plan to be sad.” Yes, I completely understand where you are coming from. November is the hardest month of the year. So yes, I plan to be sad because I know nothing is going to stop me from being sad. It’s something I think everyone should expect in a person no matter how many years it has been since you’ve lost someone. I believe sometimes you need to be sad and you need to show your emotion. If you are planning to be sad every day, yes that is a problem. But everyone grieves differently and not everyone is going to like how you grieve. Some people get angry, some people party to forget, some people act like nothing has happened at all. I am just not that type of person. I have come a long way since 2005 when I first lost my mom. A lot has happened to me since then and I’m a completely different person. One thing will never change and that is how I feel during November.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
griefisliketheocean 