Recently I was asked a very hard question. I was asked if I have ever dealt with losing my mom and now losing my dad. And honestly I didn’t know how to answer that question. How does one even begin to process that? I can barely process that question let alone if I have even done it. I was watching greys anatomy yesterday and it just happened to be an episode all about grief. And one quote sticks out in my head: “The very worst part is the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.” And honestly I’ve never heard anything that can describe how I feel any better than that.
Grief is hard. It’s not something I think I even know how to do. When you lose someone it’s like a part of your world is gone. You wake up in the morning and the sun is dimmer, the flowers don’t smell as good, and you could look at your best friends but they feel like strangers.
Everyone deals with grief differently. Unfortunately I don’t deal with it very well. I was 6 when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t know much about her cancer back then and I don’t know much about it now. It wasn’t really talked about around me and if it was then it was with big words that I couldn’t spell or say. It wasn’t something we talked about at home after she passed and none of my friends would talk to me about her either. If I brought my mom up 9 times out of 10 the subject was changed. Which I understand, because what 7th grader knows what to say? The bad thing is that this shaped me into how I deal with it today. So now I just don’t talk and I’ve come accustomed to it.
On the anniversaries of my mom being gone, it’s always a day I dread. The week leading up to it and I’m anticipating it and wanting it to be over. The day comes and it’s the longest day of the year. When I was in highschool, I still had to go to school. If someone even looked at me I would cry. They didn’t have to say anything, all they had to do was give me a hug and I was a mess. This was embarrassing to say the least. It is a day that I wanted to go through and not talk to a soul. But I couldn’t do that because of course my friends are going to be there for me so I couldn’t help but cry. So inevitably everyone knew what day it was and everyone knew why I was crying. I think everyone I know has seen me cry and I’m not a pretty crier. After highschool I treated the day a little different because I had more control. I refused to go to work or school. I’m pretty sure I even missed a test one time because I wouldn’t go. This is just how I deal with it. And I’m sure I will be the same way on the anniversaries I will now have for my dad. I wake up with text messages from people who care so much for me, telling me they love me and know how hard the day is for me. Most tell me to try to have a good day. I know this is said with the best of intentions but it’s just not possible. Why would I want to have a good day that is an anniversary of the death of my mom and soon the first anniversary of the death of my dad. It’s just not an accurate statement and I’ll tell you why.
There is not a day that goes by that I won’t think of my mom or dad. And on a normal day when I am sad for no reason, I think I’m crazy. Why am I sad when there is so much I could be thankful for? So much that I could be achieving? But it happens. People get sad for no reason all the time. And it happens to me. I could be in a crowded room and one song, one word, one comment sparks a memory and that’s it. My focus is completely gone from whatever I was doing and now I’m thinking about my mom or dad. I could be with my friends family eating dinner having a great time. And then I sit back look at the family being together and I’m jealous. I am envious of them. This happens more than I like to admit. So those days, I’m sad for no reason. There is a reason of course but like I said there are so many things I could be focusing my mind on and things I could be HAPPY about.
But on that day. On that dreadful day that I am reminded that my mother was taken from me. I am not going to have a good day. I remember the day so clearly even after almost 10 years. It replays in my head that whole day. I will be sad that day. And I think thats okay. Like I said before everyone grieves differently and this is how I do it. I wake up and go visit the grave site. I have done this every year since I got my license. I go home and I lay in bed. I cry when I get text messages. I cry a lot. But it’s not something I want to talk about. My boyfriend, John, has learned how to comfort me on this day but probably not in the best of ways. He has always been the most supportive and caring and always always tries to cheer me up. He’s learned though that it’s just not going to happen that day. He sends me a text in the morning telling me how much he loves me and he understands when I don’t text back but maybe three times that day. He knows all I need is for him to come over and lay in silence with me. And that’s the most comfort I’ve ever felt on that day.
So if you know someone that has lost a loved one, remember to not suffocate them on the dreadful day. It’s okay to sad. It’s right to be sad. I don’t know anyone that is happy about losing someone they love. So let them be sad. Let them grieve the way they need to grieve. Whether that is doing something all day to get their mind off of it or if it is taking a day off and laying in bed in silence. Either way, it’s okay. It’s not supposed to be easy.
griefisliketheocean 