The year I turned 13 was the first year without my mom. My 13th birthday also happened to fall on the first Mother’s Day without my mom. I was just becoming a teenager and my birthday fell on the day I was supposed to be celebrating my mother. It was a hard day to say the least and every year after that it has been hard. I don’t know if every daughter who has lost her mother feels the way I feel on Mother’s day but it’s not a good feeling.
No 13 year old thinks they will be spending their birthday wishing she could be celebrating her mom instead of her birthday. I don’t remember much from that day or that birthday. Over the years I’ve learned to forget the days that were the hardest. It’s something I wish I never would have gotten accustomed too, but it’s what I’ve done for so long now. Every year when Mother’s Day comes around I hid out from the world, the very best that I can.
There are so many people I could be celebrating on this day; my grandma, aunts, sister and sister-in-law, my boyfriends/best friends moms. All of these people that do so much for me and have stepped in to be like a second mom for me. But instead I use this day to be sad. And I think that’s okay. Being sad is okay. It’s healthy to have feelings. I understand that Mother’s Day is supposed to be a celebration. But it’s been almost 10 years without my mom and I do not celebrate that. I use this day to grieve. Just like her birthday and other holidays. I honor and remember my mom every day. Everyday I think of her and I am thankful of her. Some days I’m sad, that’s obviously going to happen. I cherish my mom and love her every day.
However, Mother’s Day just reminds me of how much I miss my mom and how much I’ve done without her. I can’t do/look at anything without being reminded of it. Social media is consumed by it. Every where I look, my friends are expressing their love for their mom. They all say, “my mom is my best friend, my rock. She goes above and beyond for me.” Etc. And that is wonderful. But it’s also heartbreaking. There is no pain like losing a mother. So a day that is dedicated to honoring and loving your mom could only be assumed it would be hard for someone in my position.
I don’t know how this day will change for me when I become a mom myself. I think it will always be hard. Every year is better than the last. Not to say it is easy, but it’s better. I grow each year. I learn more about my grief. After 10 years, I am still grieving. I think I always will be.
So, this Mother’s Day please honor and love and cherish your mom. With everything you have in you. Please do it for your moms sake and for yours. But also for the girls who can’t physically tell their mom how much they meant to them in their life and continue to mean to them. Don’t let a day go by that she doesn’t know how much you love her.
griefisliketheocean 