During this no cable or internet phase of the hurricane, I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the past few years of my life. It’s been almost two years since I started this blog and almost a year since I’ve posted a recent one. It’s not that I haven’t written any, rather I am too scared to post it. These posts get very personal about my life and sometimes it’s just too hard to share and make myself vulnerable. My biggest fault is not sharing how I actually feel with my loved ones. Instead of expressing what’s wrong, I go for the simple answer “I’m okay”. Because who really wants to hear what you’re feeling when you get asked “how are you?”.
I love my major. I changed majors two days before summer classes started and it was the best decision I’ve made throughout college. It’s lead me to meet a big variety of people. It lead me to volunteer which lead me to my new job (which was a life changer and huge for me!). And it also lead me to see how many people struggle. I’ve met a friend in my major who has been through a lot of the same losses as me throughout her life. And we’ve both experienced depression. Although she’s almost double my age, she lost both of her parents before she was 18. We’ve lived very different lives and had many different experiences through our losses but we are still a part of this undeniable club that we don’t want to be apart of. Whether you’ve lost one or two parents, we’re all part of the “no parents club” and it’s just not fair. Everyday we are constantly reminded they aren’t here. By friends, songs, events, holidays, the list goes on and on. One thing I’ve noticed since I’ve lost my parents is how much those who have also lost parents gravitate to each other (a few in particular come to mind). It’s like our own support group. We might not know each other on a personal level or maybe we do but we’re the first to be there for each other. It is hard being a young adult and not having parents. Starting a new job where no one knows me I’ve seen this a lot. I get a lot of questions to figure out who I am. “Where did you go up, what’s your major, what do your parents do?” Sometimes I still lie, because it’s easier on the other person. I’m not one for sympathy. Yes my life hasn’t been “normal” compared to others, but I hate the “Oh, I’m so sorry” look. It honestly just makes me feel worse.
Like I said earlier, I love my major. But sometimes it is hard. Something we’ve talked about in every class is depression. I’ve learned this semester, once you have been depressed, it doesn’t just go away. It can come and go. And that has been very true for my life. The more I learn about what depression is the more it scares me about when I was in highschool. So many people struggle with depression and it is a problem. You probably know many people in your life with depression, yet they’ve never told you before and it’s disguised. There is a difference between high-functioning and low-functioning depression. But it is depression, nonetheless. I struggle everyday along with a million other people and in my opinion it’s important to be aware. We never know what someone is dealing with and hiding underneath their pleasant persona. We just don’t know. These next few months are harder then the rest. October, November, and December are dreaded by me. And this is usually the time my depression is the most recognizable by others. But just because it is recognizable now doesn’t mean it isn’t prevalent in my life in other months as well. And this goes for many others. Like I said before, it’s not something you just get over.
Recently, I learned the meaning of the semicolon tattoo. And I fell in love with it. I found a quote that goes with it: “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.”
griefisliketheocean 