One week ago I graduated from college and got engaged in the same day!! This has been one of the happiest times of my life to say the least. After struggling through college I have finally completed the one thing in my life that I never felt confident in. Also after almost nine years I got engaged to my high school sweetheart and love of my life! We celebrated with friends and family and we both felt so loved. John finished his last exam of his 2L year this past Monday and we were off to Charleston for a much needed vacation just the two of us. We ate, we drank, we took naps. It was everything we needed and more to decompress from school and all of the celebrations. Next Wednesday I start my new job! I was offered the job during my internship and literally could not be happier. My internship was one of the best experiences of my life and I can not wait to continue learning and growing with this organization.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day. It’s also my 25th birthday. I have been dreading this weekend since last year. If you know me, you know I don’t like Mother’s Day but I LOVE birthdays (Not just my own – everyone’s). So you can see my dilemma. Although I am ECSTATIC for my graduation, engagement (!!!!), and employment, I am very sad I couldn’t share it with my Mom and Dad.
With Mother’s Day this Sunday, I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to have her here for all of this. John proposed to me with my Mom’s ring. We thought it had been lost forever for the majority of the time after she died. However while we were cleaning out our parents house we found it. We found it in a jewelry box I literally looked through all the time. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before or if I saw it and just didn’t know what it was. My sister held on to the ring for me knowing I wanted John to ask for their blessing since he couldn’t ask my parents. A couple months ago he went to their house for dinner. I must have been blinded by ignorance because not once did I think he was going to ask for the ring that night. My sister has now acted as a stand in Mom for me longer than I had my Mom alive. It was really important that he asked her and I’m so glad he did.
Having my Mom’s engagement ring is such a privileged and honor. I was 12 when she died and I don’t have many things that were hers. But this ring is everything. I am so happy John wanted to propose to me with this ring because he could have just gotten a new one (which of course I would have loved, too).
This new season of my life will require a lot of planning. Planning a wedding should be done with your Mom and I won’t be able to do that. I put myself through college and now I’ll pay for my wedding. I’m sure I’ll receive (some much needed) help but I’ll constantly be nervous about the money and sticking to our small budget. But the actual wedding is the least of my worries. I’ve told John before and I’ll tell him again – we can get married in a court house. He is the love of my life and to share my life with him is the only thing I care about.
I do, however, wish I could ask for my Mom’s advice. I wish she could help me pick out a dress that is elegant and not ridiculous. I wish she could help me pick out dessert (because John and I don’t like cake or really sweets for that matter). I wish she would be there to calm me down when I get nervous and overwhelmed. Most importantly I wish she could have met John and I wish she could meet John’s parents and sister.
This Mother’s day will be hard for me. Not only will it be my birthday but I won’t be able to continue celebrating our engagement and everything else. I miss her everyday and there is something everyday I wish I could share with her. This season of my life will be the hardest (and if/when I have kids). It is hard to be happy and so sad at the same time. So I hope people understand my grief during such a happy time because it will be there.
Although I don’t have my physical Mom here with me, I have SO many second momma’s that care so much about me. Without them, I don’t know where I would be. They feed me and sometimes clothe me. But most importantly they make sure I’m doing okay mentally and emotionally, just like they would their own daughter. John’s mom, Mrs. Rhonda, has treated me like a daughter probably since the day we met. I honestly do not remember a time that she hasn’t treated me like one of her own. I could not be happier to gain her as my Mother-In-Law. She supports me in everything I do, invites me to Sunday night dinners even when John is in Durham, and she calls me out when I need it. I don’t think she (or John’s Dad) knows how much I appreciate them. I will never be able to put it into words. They brought me into their family no questions asked. For that I will always be grateful.
Even with my second momma’s and future mother-in-law, no one can replace my Mom. She was beautiful, kind, smart, compassionate – the list goes on and on. This Mother’s Day will be filled with mixed emotions and to be honest I’m ready for it to be over. But I will also honor all of the women who have taken me in as their own, I know it couldn’t have been easy!
Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom out there! I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. You will always be my superhero. I love you forever.
griefisliketheocean 